The True Story of What Was

Guess I forgot to sign in for awhile.  I don’t know how that happened. 

Well, actually I do. 

New job.

New engagement.

New life.

It’s weird.  I mean, I’m happy with the new job and with being engaged (of course) but I’m overwhelmed with it all.

Being the boss is an interesting experience.  It’s very lonely.  And it’s not that I dislike my staff, but most of them aren’t people that I would have ever hired.  Many aren’t as good as they think they are.  But there’s still time.  I have to get to know them and they have to get to know me better.  I have to know the job better.  It’s a hard one right now.

I really need a social connection right now outside of Fiance and Employees.  I don’t really have one right now.  Oh well, I’m off to get my hair cut.  Maybe that will fill my need for a connection today.

Watching a Very Special Episode of Golden Girls. Rose might have AIDS (well, HIV). I feel very enlightened and educated as I watch and learn.

Day from hell. Can’t move off the couch.

Spent two hours on the couch watching Behind the Music: Courtney Love. Towards the end, there was a knock on the door. Boyfriend says, “That’s probably E [the lawn guy] for his money.”

“Does he know it’s 8:50 on a Saturday night?”

Boyfriend gets up and answers the door. “Can you wait on the porch?” he asked. “A’s taking a nap. I’ll go get my check book.”

Boyfriend goes out and pays E and then comes back in. “He was weird tonight! He had his fingers in his ears saying that the fireworks were bothering him. That’s why he was trying to get in so bad. I was like, ‘Are you a cat or something? Why are you so scared of the fireworks? They aren’t even that loud!’”

“If he’s that scared of fireworks, why would he go out at almost 9 pm on July 3?! … Did you tell him I was taking nap?”

“Well, it was better than telling him that you weren’t wearing pants.”

“But I am wearing pants….”

“Well, I see that now!”

Awhile later, the boyfriend was getting ready to go out and see a band. I was aimlessly flipping channels, trying to find something other than “Two and a Half Men” to watch. “Have fun,” I said. “I’ll still be sitting here trying to find something to watch. … I may go to bed soon if I don’t find something on TV.”

“You could keep cleaning the house…”

“You go out to the bar and I get to stay home and clean?!”

“Well, you didn’t want to go out…”

I’m now on my second episode of “Two and a Half Men.” My “To Organize” pile that I started earlier today is still sitting here. Maybe tomorrow.

Last year, I was prepared for Freddie to die.  this year, I’d made peace with the fact that he was going to live forever.  I liked that idea. 

He was up and stealing food from the other cats this morning, so it was a shock when the Boyfriend found him limp and barely breathing this evening.  I still feel guilty that I came home and took a nap instead of doing Kitty Roll Call.  I had no idea that Freddie was dying until Boyfriend came into the bedroom, crying.  I know Freddie would have still died if I’d found him 45 minutes earlier but I can’t help but feel bad.

I also feel bad that I forgot to make Freddie’s favorite dinner yesterday.  I was planning to put a turkey in the crockpot but forgot yesterday.  Instead, I made it today.  Freddie wasn’t alive by the time we finally sat down to eat tonight.  Freddie, I ate some extra turkey for you, my little friend.

We have six more kitties in the house right now — five perms and one temp.  I can’t stand the idea of going through at least five more kitty deaths.  My soul wasn’t built for that kind of pain.

I definitely wasn’t prepared for how much it would hurt when they brought Freddie in right before they put him to sleep.  I collapsed on the bench in the exam room and just sobbed.  He just looked so…helpless.  So weak.  So scared.  Before that moment, I’d been all business — <i>OK, we need to go sit with him while we figure out what to do.  Let’s start calling clinics and figure out who is still open.  We need to do this.  We don’t want him to suffer anymore.</i>   So it was hard to finally have to actually slow down and face the situation and realize that the cat was about to die.  And that we were making the choice to have him die.  Watching him die was just….horrible.  There’s no other way to describe it.  I cry just thinking about it.

My heart wasn’t built for such heartache.  I’m going to cuddle up with Bedroom Cat now and give her some extra love tonight.